Mar 24, 2014

Why I Suck As A Friend.

I've come to kind of a hard conclusion over the weekend. Lots of alone time to think about what's going on in one's life can do that to a person.

I suck as a friend. Well, at least lately I have.

You see, for the last 6 months my life has been in a pretty constant state of unknown. Changing week by week it seems. That has made it pretty hard to keep track of what's going on with me let alone my friends. I've tried to keep up with their lives at least a little bit but since M came home for Christmas I've slacked. When he came back, obviously he was my sole focus for those two weeks. Then once he headed back to good ol' Fort Leonard Wood, I started looking for a job. I stumbled on that job pretty quickly and started within a few days of finding it. Since then, I've been adjusting to working full-time and seeing what being a grown up really feels like. It's still a little weird to comprehend some days!

M came home from AIT about a month ago and that blows my mind. Time has been slipping through my fingers! One of my love languages is receiving gifts which means I most frequently show my love to others by giving gifts. I love to bake a huge batch of cookies or bars knowing I probably won't eat a single one. I pack them up and head out to see several friends, dropping off a little gift to each one. I had made it a pretty regular habit but honestly, the last time I did that was during finals week in December. Hello, it's almost the end of March.

I try to text a lot of my friends but it's hard to have a steady conversation or a meaningful one through text. Since I haven't been making these regular visits, I haven't really talked to many of them in depth since December. That really breaks my heart! I think about my friends and for most of them, I don't know what they're dealing with. I suck!

Lately I've been feeling really frustrated that I haven't heard from my friends. Feeling left out and upset for the most part. I kept thinking "why don't they ever invite me anywhere? Why don't they ever text me or just stop by?" The more would dwell on it, the more upset I got. I'm really weird about friendships in that I don't have a ton of friends, just a few friends that I fiercely cling to consider close. I get really hurt when I don't feel like they include me in their lives! Probably way more hurt that I really should. I work by myself all day which leaves me feeling pretty lonely (I love my job, don't get me wrong).

With my birthday coming up, I've been feeling extra upset because I have no plans with anyone (except my brother and sister-in-law, hi guys!) to celebrate. It's a big one but I have less plans than I've ever had. This really got me thinking about why my friends haven't been in touch. I've come to one conclusion. I haven't been in touch with them! I haven't made the effort to see what they have going on because I've been focused on all the stuff I've got going on. I get frustrated because they don't ask me about my crazy life. In reality, I'm sure they all have just as much stuff going on that I haven't asked them about. I'm doing just as bad as every person I've been mad at. I also can't be mad at them if I don't tell them I'm mad and why. They aren't mind readers, that I'm aware of, so I'm sitting here mad and they don't even know it.

So friends and family, if you're reading this: I'm sorry I've been slacking lately! I've been feeling hurt and in turn I've closed myself off to everything but my own life. I promise to make more of an effort to see what you have going on! Just promise you'll invite me over so I can get a chance to ask you! Just because I might say no this time doesn't mean the next time I will too. We're all busy but I want to see you! Also, this married girl still needs girl time so don't count me out! I miss each and every one of you, I just don't get a chance to tell you.

This was almost two years ago. Yep, I miss this!
And now I'm going to bake a ton of cookies or bars and get to work!

Love,
Mandy

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