Jan 23, 2013

A Post For Myself

I've been feeling pretty blah today. Just one of those days where everything seems to be piling up and I'm having a hard time getting a positive outlook tonight. I thought about this post but then originally decided against it because who wants to read a post like that.

Then I remembered why I started blogging in the first place and this is my blog. So I'm going to write this post because it will be good for me to get it off my chest. Maybe I won't even publish it, I think even just writing it will help. Before I get some nasty comments, I realize life could be much, much worse and I know tomorrow will (hopefully) be a better day. I just need a way to release all of this crap before it continues to drag me down.

I'm still not over this cold/flu thing I caught the day after we had our date night. The typically monthly flood of emotions certainly isn't helping me any. I should be used to feeling crappy, I've been feeling crappy pretty much every day for almost 3 years now (since I found out about a supposed stomach ulcer). But it gets old after awhile and sometimes I just can't get my mind over matter. So being sick started this week off on a poor note. Not being able to find a sub for work while I was sick and having to expose the kids to whatever I had was also not a positive way to end last week.

Then I found out something is holding up my financial aid so I'm not able to get any of my textbooks until I can figure out what's going on. Considering I have two quizzes and an assignment due this week from the book, that should be fun to try and wing. Financial aid is such a blessing when it's working correctly but when something goes wrong it takes a miracle to get it figured out before things get really messed up.

The real origin of my issues lately is how lonely I feel. Adjusting to a new schedule each semester seems to get harder each time. My first semester I was with all of my friends constantly. Second semester all of our schedules changed but we still found time to hang out because we lived together. First semester of this year was hard because none of us live anywhere near each other so I saw some friends only once or twice over the whole semester. So far this semester, I know no one in any of my classes and my schedule is so far off from everyone (including M) that I feel like the only daily interactions I have are with the 2 & 3 year olds I work with. While those conversations are very amusing, I'm starting to feel like I'm all alone.

I struggle to meet new people. Once I know you, I'm a completely outgoing person. Until we've had a conversation, I'm so shy. When moving to college I only knew about 2 people on campus so I forced myself to make new friends immediately while everyone was in the same situation. That took a little courage but was so easy. The only problem is, after I made those friends I didn't really branch out and continue to make friends. All of my friends did. I was adjusting to M being around me all the time so I didn't feel like I had time. Now I'm really regretting not having made more friends.

I'm feeling left out and invisible. I feel like I'm a child putting it that way but when I think about it that's exactly how I feel. I try so hard to connect with people, to make the extra effort to be involved in their lives but I feel unappreciated and left out. Plain and simple. Feeling unappreciated is about one of the crappiest things you can feel. It makes you feel unimportant. I go through my days like no one can see me, with the slightest chance that I may see someone I know and feel a little bit better. I don't want to stop believing in people but I'm at a point where I need to take a hard look at all the relationships in my life and only keep the positive ones. I'm so tired of putting my all into this and feeling like it's one sided.

Part of the reason I wanted to join the blogging community is all of the positive things I've heard about everyone interacting. I felt like maybe I could find a great group of friends I would have never even known without this. There have been some amazing and helpful comments! But I definitely feel like there is a certain clique-y feeling to all of this. I've started to feel like the "thanks for reading" replies are a way to blow someone off and if that's all you can say you probably shouldn't reply. When you're a new blogger it's scary to put yourself out there knowing you're just going to get blown off. New bloggers, don't stop trying! Experienced bloggers, give a sincere response because we (newbies) can tell when you don't care.

People are busy, I understand that but if I'm clearly telling you I've had a bad day don't ignore that. People don't realize how much a simple how is your day or I'm thinking of you will make a difference. Someone who feels much worse than may not get that attention and you never want to regret not saying something to them. The little things make a world of difference when someone is having a bad day. I will get over this, it's just a bad day. Some people may be having a bad week or month or year so don't hesitate to do something small for a friend in need. And don't forget to stay in contact with your friends, even if it's a short conversation once a week.

I'm feeling a little better about this so I'm done now.

-Mandy

1 comment:

  1. Hey, I came across your blog yesterday and girl, I love it! I spent a good amount of time going thru all your posts.. Your wedding pictures look amazing!!
    Sorry I'm commenting on older post, just thought it would be appropriate as I'm a new blogger (so new that I still haven't made my blog public..) and liked what you said here about blogging :)

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